Beneath The Masks We Wear
by The needy stranger
Summary: Shinji's reflections on the people he has hurt because he couldn't see the real people beneath the masks. Please RR.


DISCLAIMER: I in no way own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of its characters. Gainax is the one making the money off of that title. I'm just borrowing them for a while, and I've promised to return them in good condition so play nice.  
  
Beneath the Masks We Wear. A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfiction by Richard Abraham  
  
Everybody wears a mask. It's the false front that we each project to the world and the people around us. It's also the shield that can protect us from the insults and actions of others.  
  
Sometimes, I wonder about the people around me, who they are beneath their masks.  
  
Maybe if I'd been a little bit smarter, a little bit braver, I could have seen beneath their masks in time to change how things have turned out.  
  
Feh! Probably just wishful thinking. I would have run away and stuck my head under the pillow until everything was over. Running away is the second best thing that I do.  
  
Toji. God, it still hurts to think about how much I've hurt him, even now with everything that is happening around me.  
  
I hurt his sister, badly. She might never regain full use of her legs again because of me. I had thought that maybe he had forgiven me after our rocky start. We became friends despite everything.  
  
He was always the tough guy, a dumb jock.   
  
I think, only a few people ever managed to see past that false front to the caring person beneath. And, even though I was initially one of those people, I still didn't pick up on the warning signs.  
  
Then there was the thirteenth angel and suddenly it was too late.  
  
What kind of a friend am I anyway? I should have seen it, should have done something instead of standing there, waiting stupidly for an act of God.  
  
I haven't had the courage to visit him yet. I'm afraid. Afraid that I'll look into his eyes and see loathing in them. Loathing directed at me.  
  
I hope, in time, he'll be able to forgive me again.  
  
No. I already know that he's forgiven me, unworthy of it as I am. Kensuke has passed along a dozen messages from him all of them saying pretty much the same thing. It's just that he's better off without me as a friend, I only hurt the people close to me.  
  
Kaworu. My friend? My enemy?  
  
I just don't know.  
  
Was he just pretending to be my friend?  
  
I needed him. When I was most lonely and despairing, he walked into my life and offered me friendship. True friendship, I suppose, thinking back on it.  
  
Why did he betray me?  
  
It doesn't really matter anymore I suppose. Kaworu's dead. I... I killed him with my own hands.  
  
I'm a killer, there's no running away from that, though I've tried. I wonder how many others have died because of me? Then again, it's not something I want to think about now.  
  
In fact, I don't want to think about anything anymore, it hurts too much, but...  
  
Misato.  
  
Misato, why did you leave me?  
  
Why did you kiss me?  
  
What did you want from me?  
  
What was I to you?  
  
Didn't you realise that I would have accepted anything from you? You were the first person that I ever remember giving me more than casual disinterest.  
  
I don't think even you knew what our relationship was.  
  
She was the only person I felt even remotely comfortable around. Even when she was teasing me, I felt good, I felt accepted, like being part of her family.  
  
Why then, did she ignore me for the last month?  
  
It was Kaji's disappearance. She changed after that. Threw herself into her work, spending less and less time at home.  
  
I guess she just forgot about me.  
  
I suppose I don't blame her for that, she did love him after all, despite the show she put on for the rest of the world.  
  
It doesn't matter anymore. Misato's dead, because of me. The tears have dried up now, there's nothing left.  
  
Except, there is something. I can hear it over the communications channel being pumped into the Eva cage.  
  
Asuka, resurrected from the ashes of her own personal defeat like the mythical phoenix, is out there fighting off the Eva series by herself. I can hear her cursing me for not being out there to help.  
  
Asuka, so strong, so proud, who had spent the last week and a half in a coma brought about by the depths of her despair. Who would have thought that underneath all that pride and rough exterior was such a fragile personality. I certainly had no idea.  
  
I'm sorry Asuka, I can't do anything. I can only sit here and listen to your battle reverberating around the Eva cage.  
  
Asuka's talking to herself again. Wait, no she isn't, she's talking to her mother?  
  
"Mother?" I ask myself.  
  
The sounds of the battle, heard through the entry plugs external audio receiver perspective, rages on. Asuka is in her element on the battlefield and she projects that through the comm channels.  
  
There's silence for a moment, then an agonised scream.   
  
Asuka.   
  
It looks like she's failed.  
  
The comm line lies silent after the last vestige of Asuka's eternal scream fades.  
  
Then:  
  
"Shinji! Unit 02 is... Asuka is... Oh God, Asuka!"  
  
"I can't get to Eva." I tell myself, "There's nothing I can do."  
  
Authors notes  
  
Just a one shot piece this time.  
  
Due to the introspective focus of the story, I felt it was more practical to write it in the first person perspective to give greater depth to Shinji's thoughts at the time.  
  
In truth, I don't think Shinji was really thinking about anything at the time except perhaps how unfair life was to him. However, that would have made a pretty boring read, heck, maybe you even found this story boring.  
  
I know that it's a very short story and might seem underdeveloped, but this was written just after I had finished Coming Closer and was only supposed to be a little apology piece for my delay in releasing that story.  
  
However, according to my pre-reader, Chris DeNicola, this story would apparently benefit with having additional chapters. I'm not so sure myself, but I'll see what the reviews say and decide from there.  
  
I know it's a pretty dark story, but what else can you expect given the period that this is covering. I had to watch this part of the End Of Evangelion movie several times to check that everything was alright. Let me say that it was pretty disturbing, especially Asuka's scream.  
  
Anyway, thanks to Chris for pre-reading this for me and for the suggestions on how to improve it. I'm only sorry I couldn't do everything you wanted (I'm already working on 2 projects so I doubt I'll be able to do other chapters on this for a while, if at all).  
  
Richard. 


End file.
